Boundaries and Pressing Down on Self

Sometimes it takes experiencing a situation to learn where your boundary is. We’ve all experienced a scenario where you go along with something because you are not sure how to handle it, only to realize you didn’t like what happened and wished you had handled it differently. For instance, your older brother asks you to pull his finger. Feeling confused by the odd request, you comply - only to regret it. Next time he asks you to pull his finger, you’re wiser and do not comply. You found your boundary and you feel strong and confident about it. No gray area.

If only every situation in life were that black and white. While that example is a bit of a

silly one, it is the same principle at work in more complex, nuanced situations, like

navigating dynamics in a marriage or available choices when making career decisions.

When you are not clear about where your boundaries are, anxiety rises. Anxiety is

easier to manage when you are clear and confident about how you want to handle

yourself in certain situations.

Boundaries are about values and principles. Taking time to define your values and

principles is a good step in establishing your sense of self. If you feel that theft is wrong,

then it will be an easy decision to not steal something even if you know you could get

away with it. However, most people don’t come to therapy because they’re struggling

with whether to steal or not. They come to therapy not knowing how they want to show

up in a relationship or community. They feel the tension of boundaries being crossed

but there’s a lack of confidence in asserting the boundaries. That lack of confidence

often translates into fear or anxiety. Too much of that anxiety can also lead to symptoms

of depression. A definition of depression is the pressing down of something and one

might say that depression is a pressing down of one’s self. You “press down” on your

sense of self or who you really want to be because of fear of conflict or rejection from

asserting your boundary.

A large part of the work of managing anxiety is establishing your values and principles,

which will define your boundaries. The next step is increasing your tolerance for

discomfort from other people not approving of your boundaries.

It sounds simple, but it can be hard work. It requires time and effort to tease out the real

you and find your boundaries.

Stephanie Brannan, LPC-Associate #96795

Supervised by Deana Reed, LPC-S #68220

stephaniebrannan@nlcc1.com

512-677-2577