Problems in Marriage

When you see the phrase “problems in marriage,” what comes to mind for you? To create and sustain a thriving marriage is no easy task — and yet it is quite a worthy investment. New Life therapists are ready to help you get the most out of the marriage counseling process so that you and your spouse can create a pathway towards lasting transformation.

Here’s a little information on how problems can show up in marriages, to help you start thinking about what you’d like to work on.

It often happens that as responsibilities increase for a married couple (like having kids, getting a mortgage, etc.) and as stress fluctuates with different family events (like the loss of family members, big moves, job losses, kids becoming teens, etc.), a family can become really taxed in their resources. As this happens, a marriage can start to break down.

couple with wife's arms wrapped around husband

These are some of the predictable ways that marriages become strained:

Emotional distance

With so many demands on parents’ time and attention, husbands and wives can become solely focused on being parents to the children and forget about being spouses to each other. Or perhaps the distance and disconnect creeps in due to really tough careers or various needs in the extended family such as aging parents. Or perhaps there have been so many disagreements over the years such that each spouse tries to “not bring up” a long list of things, and now it just doesn’t seem like there is anything to talk about that is worthwhile. Emotional distance can develop almost imperceptibly over time until all of a sudden spouses feel like roommates.

A couple in therapy experiencing conflict

Emotional conflict

This can happen when both spouses feel backed into a corner and stuck in a defensive posture. Neither one can compromise or agree with the other one because it would mean giving in and giving up. Each one is putting a lot of energy into criticizing the other or pushing back against the criticism. It can happen loudly or quietly and tends to occur in cycles of conflict punctuated by periods of calm, until the tension erupts again.

Stuck ways of relating to each other

Sometimes a couple can gradually get stuck in their ways of relating to each other. There are many ways to get stuck and here are just a few examples: One person always does things this way, and the other one always does it that way. One person leads, the other defers. One person consistently gets overly worried, and the other is a bit too carefree all the time. One person is amped up in general, and the other can’t seem to get out of bed. One spouse is taking one child’s side habitually, while the other spouse is always siding with a different child.

Holidays are always spent with one side of the extended family over the other one, and someone else always feels left out. One spouse is depressed and stuck feeling helpless, and the other one feels overburdened by caretaking and hopelessness. Sometimes being stuck is more comfortable than putting new energy into seeing what could really be advantageous to the family as a whole and for each member of the family.

Stress spilling over

Sometimes the level of stress in a marriage just keeps rising and eventually spills over into everything. For example, conflicts in the marriage can spill over into parenting roles. Issues at work can get mixed up in family life. When tension is really high with a couple, one of the spouses might make a habit of calling his or her own parents, or involving other extended family members, thus spreading the tension into other relationships.

Infidelity

This is more of a problem in our society than anyone would like to admit — even in Christian marriages. And it is also a thing that can be addressed fully and thoughtfully if both spouses are ready to do so. It is a thing that can be overcome, with hard work, patience, and having a way to think about what happened in the marriage and how to move forward.

Sex and Intimacy

If there are problems in this area of marriage, it can often be something that is particularly uncomfortable or delicate for spouses to address, and yet it is also a part of our flourishing as humans with a mind, soul, heart and body. For more on this particular problem in a marriage, please see the “Sex and Intimacy” Speciality Tab.

…among others

Perhaps you don’t identify with any of the problems listed above. How would you describe the problem?

These are just a few descriptions of the predictable ways that problems show up in a marriage. Give us a call today and let a trained therapist coach you and your spouse towards a new way of handling the old problems. At New Life we believe in the value of marriages in our society and are invested in helping them to flourish, and to last.