Many people assume boundaries are simply a communication skill like learning how to say “no,” ask for what you need, or limit unhealthy behavior. However, for those who struggle with anxiety or people-pleasing, setting boundaries can feel emotionally overwhelming, even when they know the boundary is healthy.

Anxiety is a natural part of life, and it isn’t always a bad thing. In many cases, it can motivate us toward meaningful goals like preparing for a test or showing up well in a job interview. But when anxiety begins to interfere with our relationships or keeps us from showing up as ourselves, it can become something else entirely.

A large part of the work of managing anxiety is establishing your values and principles, which will define your boundaries. The next step is increasing your tolerance for discomfort from other people not approving of your boundaries. It sounds simple, but it can be hard work. It requires time and effort to tease out the real you and find your boundaries.

Finding our sense of self requires sifting through thoughts and feelings to determine which are ours vs what we absorbed and learned from the “system” to maintain harmony. Where is the pseudo-self showing up to maintain harmony rather than the solid self that is free of pressures to conform to keep the peace? Where are you (the solid self, not the pseudo self)? Through the work of distinguishing what is solid self vs the pseudo-self we gain more clarity.

The result of disconnecting from yourself to maintain harmony in the family system can lead to experiencing anxiety. You might struggle with patterns of people-pleasing, difficulties with setting boundaries, or feeling resentful when others overstep. These behaviors are often anxiety-driven. Fears of rejection, conflict, or letting someone down are often rooted in how we learned to function in our family of origin.