Many couples who come to therapy report difficulties with communication. Common sentiments include, “he doesn’t listen to me”, “she always speaks for me”, and “we just need to learn how to communicate better.” The assumption many couples make is if they could just find the right words to say, then they would be able to hear each other and communicate. This idea leads the struggling couple to seek out advice from an expert.

Anxiety is a natural part of life, and it isn’t always a bad thing. In many cases, it can motivate us toward meaningful goals like preparing for a test or showing up well in a job interview. But when anxiety begins to interfere with our relationships or keeps us from showing up as ourselves, it can become something else entirely.

In marriage, it can feel like we fight about everything—and sometimes about nothing that really matters. Many couples are surprised to find that it’s possible to have a fairly intense conflict over something small and ordinary. In most conflicts, the process matters more than the content.  Even when the subject seems simple or non-essential, a lot of distress can get stirred up in our nervous system. Once that happens, the conflict escalates and we become dysregulated.

We were created for community but at times our internal narratives or heightened expectations keep us from fully experiencing it. Therapy is a helpful tool for individuals experiencing these kinds of burdens who need the encouragement to engage with their relationships in a way that brings emotional freedom.

A large part of the work of managing anxiety is establishing your values and principles, which will define your boundaries. The next step is increasing your tolerance for discomfort from other people not approving of your boundaries. It sounds simple, but it can be hard work. It requires time and effort to tease out the real you and find your boundaries.

Healing from a past abortion is a delicate process.  Many women push down their feelings because they fear that opening that wound will feel overwhelming.  Instead of healing, they often learn to survive and live with anxiety, depression, or emotional numbness fueled by guilt and shame.  This unresolved pain becomes an undercurrent that can quietly affect many areas of life, including relationships, faith, self-worth, and emotional well-being.

Finding our sense of self requires sifting through thoughts and feelings to determine which are ours vs what we absorbed and learned from the “system” to maintain harmony. Where is the pseudo-self showing up to maintain harmony rather than the solid self that is free of pressures to conform to keep the peace? Where are you (the solid self, not the pseudo self)? Through the work of distinguishing what is solid self vs the pseudo-self we gain more clarity.

The result of disconnecting from yourself to maintain harmony in the family system can lead to experiencing anxiety. You might struggle with patterns of people-pleasing, difficulties with setting boundaries, or feeling resentful when others overstep. These behaviors are often anxiety-driven. Fears of rejection, conflict, or letting someone down are often rooted in how we learned to function in our family of origin.