Improving Communication in Marriage

Many couples who come to therapy report difficulties with communication. Common sentiments include, “he doesn’t listen to me”, “she always speaks for me”, and “we just need to learn how to communicate better.” The assumption many couples make is if they could just find the right words to say, then they would be able to hear each other and communicate. This idea leads the struggling couple to seek out advice from an expert. They might ask their therapist things like, “How can I get him to listen?” or “just tell me what I need to say to make her happy.” 

Some relationship experts approach resolving communication issues by giving scripts to each spouse. For instance, a spouse might be encouraged to state “I hear what you are saying” or “It makes sense that you feel frustrated” during an argument. There is nothing inherently wrong with scripts. Having some phrases in your back pocket might actually be helpful at times, but what if you encounter something that doesn’t fit your script? What happens when the “right words” aren’t working? Unfortunately, no expert can give you the exact right words to say to your spouse in every situation for the rest of your marriage. 

You may have also experienced your spouse being able to sniff out what you are feeling or thinking underneath the words you are using. As humans, we communicate in many ways including tone of voice, eye contact, and body language. Our brains are able to pick up on subtleties in what is happening for the other person in such a way that we can start to sense what their nervous system is doing. This can be happening out of our awareness. 

In a way, our nervous systems talk to each other. So, I can say one thing with my words, but my spouse might “hear” something different based on what they are sensing from my nervous system, and it’s all happening instinctually. This is what I believe gets in the way of communication in marriage…and it’s so much more than just the words. 

So what can be done? I invite you to consider communication as a posture. Get curious about how you are approaching communication and what might be getting in the way. Some helpful questions to ask yourself might be:

• How reactive am I about this topic? 

• What can I do to calm my own nervous system so that I can communicate clearly?

• Am I able to separate what I feel and think about this topic?

• How can I state what I think clearly to my spouse?

• What am I sensing in my spouse? Is it getting in the way of how I am receiving what they are trying to communicate to me?

It can be difficult to hear your spouse when you are feeling emotional or stressed. This is where therapy can help. As a couples therapist, I work to create an environment in which spouses can truly hear each other in a calm way, sometimes for the first time in their marriage. It is remarkable to witness the communication lines opening up when spouses are able to get calm within themselves and curious about the other.  

Stephanie Ruyter, LPC - Associate

Supervised by: Deana Reed, LPC-S #68220

stephanieruyter@nlcc1.com