Many couples who come to therapy report difficulties with communication. Common sentiments include, “he doesn’t listen to me”, “she always speaks for me”, and “we just need to learn how to communicate better.” The assumption many couples make is if they could just find the right words to say, then they would be able to hear each other and communicate. This idea leads the struggling couple to seek out advice from an expert.

In marriage, it can feel like we fight about everything—and sometimes about nothing that really matters. Many couples are surprised to find that it’s possible to have a fairly intense conflict over something small and ordinary. In most conflicts, the process matters more than the content. Even when the subject seems simple or non-essential, a lot of distress can get stirred up in our nervous system. Once that happens, the conflict escalates and we become dysregulated.

When couples come to therapy, they are often stuck in cycles of blame and other intense emotions. Sometimes the blame is directed outward such as: “You never listen.” or “You’re always critical.” or some similar emotional statements. When couples move from blaming themselves or others to understanding themselves, they become more thoughtful, more grounded, and more capable of genuine connection. The goal isn’t perfection, it’s maturity.

Conflict is a natural part of any marriage, but when one partner consistently avoids arguments, it can create an emotional imbalance.