When Anxiety Misreads the Situation

How assumptions and perceived threats can quietly create distress

Today on my walk, I noticed a grackle pecking at my neighbor’s shiny bumper. I couldn’t figure out what he was doing at first. He was definitely in distress, but I wasn’t sure why. Upon closer observation, I realized he was seeing his reflection in the bumper and perceiving it as a threat. What he saw and assumed to be true was another bird, possibly a male bird threatening his territory, but in reality, it was just him. His assumption of a threat was creating the distress he was feeling.

As I thought about it, I realized humans do a very similar thing. Sometimes, when we feel anxious or threatened in some way, we assume the problem is something outside of ourselves, just like this bird did. But if the bird had slowed down, gotten curious, and really looked at what was happening, he may have seen that it was just him. He was creating the distress he was feeling.

I believe and have seen this to be true even in my own life, that if we did the same, we would see things differently as well. Human nature, especially when feeling anxious or threatened, tends to look outside of ourselves. We look to other people and other circumstances to explain what must be causing our distress. We also assume many things without really stopping to question those assumptions. This way of interacting with our problems becomes automatic. It’s often how the brain works when it feels unsafe.

For instance, in my marriage, my husband can say something, and my brain perceives it as a threat. It could feel like a threat to something within me – my comfort, my value, or my identity. And because I feel this threat, I can have an automatic reaction of anger. That can be my fight-or-flight response, or simply my stress response, to this perceived threat – just like the bird assuming his territory was being threatened by another bird.

But after slowing down and looking more closely, my husband’s comment may have had no threatening meaning behind it at all. Still, I can assume he means something harmful and react as though I’m being threatened. If I slow down in the moment – which, by the way, I’m learning to do – I can look at the reflection a little more closely and ask: What am I assuming? Is this actually a threat?

In those moments, taking a slow, deep breath – maybe five or six – can bring my thinking brain back online. I can step back and even ask myself, “How might I be the main contributor to the distress I’m feeling right now?”  Again: What am I assuming to be true in this moment, and what is actually true?

As we think back to this bird flying around and pecking at this bumper, appearing to be in a lot of distress, we can easily see from the outside that he is caught in a false alarm. In that situation, he was really the only one reacting to the threat he believed was there.

In what relationships in your life can you pause, take a deep breath, and think through what’s actually happening? What might you be assuming? What might you be feeling threatened by? What is actually true, and what real threat is there, if any? If the bird, I saw today had stopped and done all those things – or if he had the ability to – I believe he might’ve laughed at himself and flown away.

I hope this bird has taught us something: to stop and ask more often, “How might I be the main contributor to the distress I’m feeling?” And maybe, just maybe, we can learn to laugh at ourselves and fly away.

Michelle Traudt, LPC Associate

Supervised by Deana Reed, LPC-S #68220

michelletraudt@nlcc1.com