How to Notice Your Family’s Anxiety Field

Every family experiences emotional stress and most people are able to sense the increase in emotional tension within the family, even before anyone says a word. You might feel a shift in your body: a bit of tightness, a faster heartbeat, or a sense of pressure.

Bowen Family Systems Theory calls this the family anxiety field. It’s the emotional atmosphere that forms when one or more family members feel upset or anxious. Bowen theory describes these as an increase in intensity of the family emotional field.  And because humans often respond to each other’s anxious feelings, it’s easy to get pulled into that anxiety without realizing it.

So how do you know when it’s happening?

Your body often gives the first cues. You might feel rushed, tense, or suddenly responsible for fixing the situation - you may even feel a powerful urge to flee or be confrontational. You may notice some people take sides, while some try to calm others down, or jump in with fixes. Other times, someone may look to you for reassurance, quick answers, or emotional support – they may hope you take responsibility for their reactions. 

You don’t have to do any of these things. You have choices: you can work on staying thoughtful, calm, engaged and support others as they work on fixes for themselves.

The good news is that you can care about your family without absorbing their anxiety: you can observe with the aim of thinking through the anxiety instead of reacting to it.

A good first step would be to name the moment; “this is anxiety, this is what happened," and to ask yourself, 'where did it come from?' and perhaps even think to yourself, 'I don’t have to join in but I can stay present, helpful, and calm”. This momentary pause may be just enough to allow you to be sort of a calming anchor in the room both for yourself and others.

Just as anxiety is contagious, so is calmness, genuineness, and caring. You may end up infecting others with calmness as most people choose lower emotional intensity when given a clear opportunity. It may also be helpful to name it or call it out in a neutral and objective way: “boy, it sure is tense in here – let’s slow down and have a conversation”. Next, slow things down for yourself too - even for a couple of seconds. Take a breath. Remind yourself that you can stay connected without taking on the emotional pressure that’s in the room. You may even try a genuine smile or a soft, meaningful touch as this often helps recenter and refocus you and others. Remember, you get to decide what you think and feel and how you wish to respond to others.

David B Yentzen, LPC

EMDR Trained

davidyentzen@nlcc1.com