When Your Child Becomes an Adult

Helping parents and adult children navigate a new season together

One of the most challenging, yet often overlooked family transitions is learning to relate to your son or daughter as an adult rather than as a child. Both parents and adult children often discover that although life has changed, their relationship patterns have not.

This transition takes intentionality, practice, and a lot of grace to navigate well. Not only have I worked with many clients on both sides of this dynamic, I’ve also lived it myself.

From a Bowen Family Systems perspective, one factor that influences how difficult this

transition becomes is the level of fusion in the relationship. Fusion describes

relationship patterns where emotions become so intertwined that it is difficult for people

to stay grounded in their own values and principles when anxiety rises. Instead of

responding thoughtfully, we often react automatically to one another.

The goal isn’t emotional distance. It’s becoming more of a self—being able to stay

connected to the people we love while also thinking, deciding, and acting according to

our own convictions, even when someone we care about disagrees or becomes

anxious.

A central part of this process is learning to manage our own anxiety. When we become

less dependent on someone else changing so that we can feel better, we gain much more

freedom. In that freedom, we often experience greater peace, see our options more

clearly, and sometimes create a positive ripple effect throughout the family.

It is completely understandable that parents would find this transition difficult.

For years, their job has been to protect, teach, and prepare their child for the world.

When no one signals that it’s time to step back, those habits of reminding, advising, and

stepping in can continue long after children become adults.

Parents may genuinely believe that they view their son or daughter as an adult, but if they

continue offering unsolicited advice or repeatedly asking whether they’ve made that

dental appointment, the adult child often experiences the same pattern he/she knew

growing up. The issue usually isn’t the dental appointment. It’s the relationship pattern.

Perhaps the hardest part is that these patterns often come from a place of genuine love.

Parents naturally want to protect their children from unnecessary pain or poor decisions.

Yet allowing an adult child the freedom to discover what he/she truly believes, make

decisions, and even learn from mistakes is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give.

One of the most encouraging parts of my work is helping young adults become more of

themselves—not by distancing themselves from their families, but by learning to stay

connected while responding and functioning from their own values and principles. I’m

equally encouraged when parents are willing to do this work. As either person grows,

the relationship begins to grow as well.

If you’d like to learn more about these ideas, I also highly recommend Jenny Brown’s

excellent book, “Growing Yourself Up.” She has helped many people understand these

family relationship patterns.

If you or someone you know is navigating this transition from either side of the

relationship, I’d be honored to help. Feel free to reach out if you’d like to learn more

about how counseling can help.

Michelle Traudt, LPC Associate

Supervised by Deana Reed, LPC-S #68220

michelletraudt@nlcc1.com