Why Anger Might Not Be the Problem
- Mark Gomez
- Oct 17
- 2 min read
“I’m not usually an angry person, but lately I snap at everything. It’s like I go from fine to furious in two seconds. I don’t get it.”
Anger gets a bad reputation. It's often labeled as destructive, toxic, or something to “control.” And yes, anger can damage relationships, especially when it turns into aggression or withdrawal. But here's the thing: anger isn’t the enemy, it’s a signal.
Anger is often the part of the iceberg we can see. But underneath, there’s usually something else: hurt, fear, shame, powerlessness, rejection, grief. These emotions don’t always feel acceptable or manageable, so anger steps in to do the heavy lifting. It creates distance, raises volume, and builds walls. In the short term, it protects. But in the long term, it keeps us disconnected from others and from ourselves.
A lot of people come to therapy thinking they have an “anger problem.” Sometimes they do. But more often, they might have an unprocessed emotion problem, or a not-safe-to-feel-anything problem. Anger is just the part that shows up when everything else has been pushed down too long.
In counseling, while the question "how do I stop being angry" can be helpful, the following questions can get you further down the road of healing and pursuing change:"
What is the anger protecting?
What boundaries have been crossed?
What emotion isn’t being heard or acknowledged?
This is where real change begins. Not in stuffing the anger down, but in exploring what it’s trying to say. When anger is treated with curiosity instead of shame, it often becomes a doorway, not a wall. A doorway into unmet needs, unspoken pain, or unresolved stories.
If anger has been showing up in your life more than you'd like, whether it’s loud and explosive or quiet and simmering, it might be time to listen instead of fighting it. Not because anger is good or bad, but because it’s trying to tell you something worth hearing.
Mark Gomez
Graduate Student Intern
Supervised by Leah Wilson Walker, LPC-S #13143
Comments